Turning Points

My uncle’s gf just found out she had cancer and her sister died just a few days ago. I am wondering when there’s going to be a turning point. Is there good news somewhere? There’s still so much going on here. A lot of heartache, a lot of pain, sadness, arrogance, deceit… When will it stop? Many things have affected my family & I am reflecting on how it is affecting me as a person.

I remember when I was younger I used to be so sensitive to situations in my life, these things also almost affected my career goals. I remembered being angry all the time. I think it’s because I use to dwell on life not being fair. I got so consumed by work. I would try my best at everything I do but it’s probably because I was angry. I am not even sure what I should have been angry at. Maybe my anger took away from my happiness?

I am angry again – because we keep learning more and more about what occurred about my brother’s death. Even past employers of my brothers are baffled by his death. I think I do have a right to be angry at this situation. Right now, I don’t think it’s wrong to wish bad on his killer.

Today, I went to get the booklet for the funeral copied today at Office Max. I cried all the way there. It’s so difficult to think of him gone. I imagine that he is still on the road and he will come home eventually. It’s just that he can’t be reached. I know that I am sort of making these things up in my mind. I do try to remember his voice daily and how he used to say my name.

I don’t think I will ever be able to get over this. However, the worse part is when people offer condolences and try to pry. I seriously cant share information about it and it does hurt me when people just call to ask, “Do you know what happened?” “Is the man going to Jail?” etc etc. Even worse, the calls with the 10 minute talk about God. I think by now that he is seeing my family through it. I hear the same thing from everyone when mentally I’m laying my brother to rest… then they spend 10 minutes of me feeling terrible :(. I don’t want to feel terrible. I want to keep the joyful memories because he’s already gone. 10 minutes of religion isn’t going to make me feel good!

Today I flipped out because someone told me, “i bet it will hit you more when you travel home. the journey home is always the worst after funeral.” I didn’t want to say, “duh.” I’ve really tried to numb myself through this experience and ya I figure I will have a breaking point. I guess one day I will go somewhere to just scream.

I’d honestly prefer to not talk about the funeral/investigation at all. If you wish to call just say, “My condolences,” then I say, “Thanks.” That’s all. It’s just that it’s been 3 weeks, even if he hasn’t even been laid to rest yet I’m trying to not make it hurt. Calling me up to talk about the funeral for 10 minutes just makes me so sad and ANGERED towards that guy who shot him. The people who feel it the most are those left behind :-/. I found some stories online about people who have lost their brothers as well. Reading it makes me not feel alone. The website I found also said this, “We hope that by reading some of these messages you will see that you aren’t alone – there are others who have gone through this.” I’ve bookmarked it.

Leave a Reply