This is an intimate entry… As the years pass by I can’t help but wonder what could’ve been or should have happened. Death gave me such epiphanies of life and I shall forever be appreciative of what little I have, when I have and not take the people that are in my life for granted.
I lost my brother a couple years ago (I visited him when I went back to the Virgin Islands to replace the dice on his gravestone), I wrote an entry when he would have been 20 last year but today, he would have been 21. Today I dedicated my facebook status to his memory. One of my facebook friends messaged me and wondered whether I had ever spoke to a counselor about it. I admitted to her that I hadn’t but told her that I am aware that death affects people differently. I do think of him often but it hurts less and less when I think of how he has touched each of us.
The thing is, my brother’s death affected my family (I’m sure that death affected everyone’s family when they experience a loss). I’m a certain way towards others today because of our loss.
I’ve been able to see beauty in things that I hadn’t seen before. I’ve also been able to look past a great deal of things and not live in a bubble of how my actions may affect others. I’ve been able to worry less about frivolous things because life is short. I’ve been able to love with an open heart regardless of whether or not I was hurt by someone.
However, I can’t help but wonder how he might have been today. I think that I will always wonder how he would be years into the future. I do remember when I was 21. It was like a “right of passage” through time. If he would have been alive today I might have joked that it’s finally legal for him to drink in the U. S. (it’s 18 in the Virgin Islands). I wonder what he would have studied, whether he would be dating or not, the latest book he would have enjoyed (the last book he was reading was Rage Therapy by Daniel Kalla that i finished for him), the new song he would have been into (the last album he purchased was an Album by Akon), etc.
I still remember his voice and I hope that I never forget it. I love him and I do miss him. I do know what I would have gotten him for his birthday.